Infatuated
“I’m not going to compare it to anything else, because everything else has ended.”
That’s a line in Sex and the City. Carrie Bradshaw says it about her Big. She doesn’t want to compare him to anyone or anything else, because all of those other things had a shelf life – an end date – and she didn’t want to put it in the same bracket as all of those.
That’s how I am with Jock right now. He’s not like anyone else. What we’ve got right now doesn’t feel like anything I’ve had before with any other man. The way he makes me feel, not just in bed, but also out of it, is amazing. I’m not sure I’ve dated a man that’s actually made me feel good before. Not really. They’ve said all the right things and done the right things but they’ve not made me actually feel good, deep down. Until Jock. Is this a sign? Could he be … my prince?
They say you’ve gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince, don’t they? I’ve definitely kissed a lot of them, but am I done with all the frog-kissing? I’ve had an awful lot of fun with all those shitty frogs before, but I’m looking for something more now. And I think I might have found it … but I’m almost scared to say the words out loud in case I jinx it and things start to go wrong.
Right now, we’re in the middle of two amazing days together. He’s doing something hands-on, dirty, and vehicle-related. I’m sat in his trailer, tapping away on my laptop and watching some bad daytime TV. It was as I was watching bad daytime TV that it hit me: we are now in a full blow relationship. We’re not just seeing each other or dating each other, we’re actually together. Us. Me and him. It’s a thing. And I’m comfortable with that. I’m happy with the way things are going. I’m not dubious or feeling scared, I don’t distrust him, I don’t sense that he’s going to break my heart. He makes me feel the opposite of all of that; he makes me feel safe. Comfortable. At ease. I don’t need to worry about what he’s doing at night, or how many sex workers he’s sleeping with, or what drugs he’s taking. I don’t need to worry about much at all. It’s actually rather an odd feeling, especially when you’ve had shitty relationship after shitty relationship for pretty much your entire life. I’ve not exactly had the best track record with men, have I?
Things have been a bit quiet on the old blog front – and I’m sorry for that. I don’t really have anything to say. I definitely don’t have anything to complain about. Things are good. Sailing along. He’s doing wonderfully romantic things for me, I’m doing cute and romantic things for him … If I told you all of it, it’d probably make you vomit. But it’s lovely. He’s not boring and I’m not bored. Usually, I would be by now. We’re just happy being around each other, whether we’re going for drives or hanging out in his trailer. It’s all fun. I like it. I don’t have a problem waiting around for him to finish doing whatever he’s doing with his mates. I don’t have a problem waiting around for him full stop. It’s like something has happened to me, like he’s calming me down and chilling me out. I sleep better with him around. I don’t feel the need to be constantly on the move. My head can just stop and breathe for a moment. What is this? Is this what real love feels like? Because if it is, I kinda like it.
If I’m being really honest, it’s wonderful not to think about Big Love. It feels amazing to be excited about something new – and be really excited about it. Not just half-excited or a bit excited; all the way excited. And that’s what I am. I have this exciting feeling about Jock, and I don’t want to say that I think it might be something … but I think it might actually be something.
